I’m sitting here in front of the computer, wondering how exactly to get started at this. Usually I’m pretty good at starting things (not so good a finishing things, but that’s another post.) When I first started to think about starting this blog, I had the idea I wanted to discuss some things that have been on my mind—like how unbelievably difficult it is to find quality plus-size clothing. If it’s bad in the States, it is way worse here in Canada. I mean it—the situation is dire. As soon as you get beyond about a size 22, the quality of clothing goes straight to hell. I guess if you’re this fat, you don’t deserve to dress well—or that’s the non-verbal message we’re getting from retailers.

Oh yeah. Did I mention that I’m fat? Morbidly obese is the term they use.

Anyway, while I was dinking around with picking out a domain name and picking out a hosting site and all that, other events have overtaken my concern about my weight and continual closet woes.

I’m menopausal (or perimenopausal—the damn doctors don’t seem to be able to decide) I’m fat, and there’s a good chance I’ve had an undiagnosed hormone imbalance since puberty—all of which have contributed to a new diagnosis—a little thing called Complex Atypical Hyperplasia. It’s a pre-cancerous bit of cell growth in my uterus (the only thing to ever grow there.)

In the future, I’m going to probably bitch and complain about Canada’s health care system but let me say this now—the problems began in the USA. I grew up in the US and I’ve been, for most of my life, one of the uninsured millions you hear about. I was either uninsured or underinsured (and underpaid) to the point where I could rarely afford routine medical care—like Pap smears and such. Mostly my health insurance only ever covered “major medical” expenses—catastrophic events like a hospitalization. I always had high deductibles–$500 or even $1000—which meant even the trip the emergency room when I dropped the utility knife into my foot was paid out of pocket. Things like lab fees and office visits were almost never covered.

Oh yeah. I did have an HMO for awhile. That was a real treat. I never actually met the doctor assigned to be my primary physician. I was seen by 3rd year residents. I remember being struck by the fact that no one—in the year I was under their care, EVER slapped a stethoscope on me or touched me in any way until the day I went in there during a work day—stressed to the eyeballs. My blood pressure was alarmingly high. They took a reading and then made me lie down in a dark room for 20 minutes before taking it again. (As if taking 20 more minutes from my already over-taxed day would be in any way beneficial.) They acted concerned—but never followed up and whenever I asked, I was told my bp in the “high normal” range. No offer of meds. No discussion of weight loss; no lecture on learning to deal with my stress. Nada.

I’m also going to point fingers at doctors who were too busy with their big, important medical practices to stop and look to the woman sitting in front of them. I’m particularly annoyed with the Dr I trusted who told me all my weight and facial hair issues would magically disappear if I would only walk 3 miles a day. He failed to ask if I had the same issues when I did walk 3 miles—or more every day. Truth is, I had the same problems when I walked everywhere, biked on weekends and swam daily. He never asked and I was too wimpy, too lacking in assertiveness to challenge him. I swallowed the non-advice and went on.

I’m pissed about having to wait for a year to get my family doctor to order some kind of diagnostic test to even begin to find out why I was bleeding every day for that year. I’m annoyed that I had to wait nearly a month for his office to call me back with results even though the date stamp, I discovered later, indicated they received the results the very same day I had the tests done. I’m annoyed that the silly woman who answers the phone and has only a passing acquaintance with the English language was the one to give me the results. Turns out she doesn’t read English all that well either because she told me I had a tumor and needed a biopsy. Well I needed a biopsy, but there is no tumor. I’m annoyed because the other woman who works there is mean to everyone and for some reason she’s allowed to keep her job. I’m annoyed that the only reason I got to talk to the Doctor about my supposed tumor was because I threw myself—acted like a big pain in the ass until they agreed to give him the message.

I’m annoyed I had to wait 16 more weeks to see an ob/gyn. I’m annoyed that this particular doctor is apparently still practicing some kind of medieval medicine in her practice. I’m annoyed that what should have been an in-office procedure is a day surgery under the Ontario system. Oh and I am mightily annoyed that the recommendation of this Dr was a “complete” hysterectomy—a Total Abdominal Hysterectomy and Bilateral Salpingo-Oophorectomy (TAHBSO.) What this translates to is a complete surgical castration—removal of the uterus, cervix, ovaries, fallopian tubes—just in case the abnormal cells might someday turn into cancer. What? Just in case? Should we remove my frigging head also, in case I might someday get a frigging brain tumor?

I very nearly went through with it too—until I was compelled to do some research on my own—having been given ZERO counseling from the physician as to the after effects of such a life changing, non-reversible, totally invasive procedure. The more I read, the more alarmed I became—not with the patch of cells reproducing inside my uterus but with the absolute brutality of the procedure being suggested and the total lack of sensitivity and respect for me as a human being.

I’ve done a whole big whack of research, both online and at the library. (We do have a very good public library system here in Mississauga.) In the upcoming posts, I’m going to share with you my research, my confusion, my fears and the results of any further physician consultations.

I hope that writing about my experience will help me get through it and I hope your reading about my experience will maybe help you. Here’s to us.